Andrea's Complete Foolery or The Bad Touch
by Plain Old Shahhida
Summary: So Andrea is totally obsessed with Daryl Dixon. She watches him when he sleeps, she watches he walks, and she watches him when he takes a dump. Here is one instance that happened when she was watching him. Humorous. R&R.
1. Andrea's Complete Foolery The Bad Touch

**Andrea's mostly out of character on this one but I still couldn't resist writing it.**

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Daryl strode over to the water pump.

God damn it if Andrea didn't jizz a little in her pants watching him.

Damn, the way his muscles bulged as he lifted the lever and brought it down. The water cascaded into the water pail he held underneath it. Still, some of it spilled over onto the edge of his pants which now clung to his huge mass of a body.

Andrea let out a breathy little mewl, like a cat.

Like a jungle cat.

That was in heat.

Literally, the red zone.

Daryl tipped the water bucket and drank his fill; his Adam's apple swinging up and down.

How could such a simple movement make someone feel so inferior?

So friggin hot?

She wanted to do things to him. Bad things. Things his mama would gasp at. Most certainly things Dale wouldn't approve of. Things that would make Glenn and Maggie fill each other will the deep shame of thinking they were the hottest to touch before lava erupted.

She wanted to _bad touch_ him.

He lifted the pail over his head and let the water flow down toward his head and body. Those sweet little water droplets she sought to lick off dripped down his neck and into the V neck of his shirt. He shook his wet head and to Andrea it was like in slow motion. The droplets flung each other off of his body and one single droplet flew to Andrea. She reached out to catch it—

And promptly fell out of the RV doorway where she had been standing to spy on Daryl. She landed with a thud on her knees and hands. Shocked at what had transpired she tried to pick herself up rather quickly. Misjudging how soft the ground was, she slid on the palms of her hands her entire body thrashing like a fish on deck.

Startled, she heard a stifled gruff laugh above her. Daryl stood tall over her, a glint in his eye, and a shadow of a smirk on his lips.

Her face went instantly red as he offered her his hand. Unwillingly, she took hold of the cold, wet yet firm hand.

With a grunt he pulled her to her feet and remarked "Clumsy, much?" and walked away.

Daryl Dixon had touched her; the full realization had hit her only moments later as she escaped from the scene of the crime. He had really touched her!

You bet your ass this was going in her diary tonight.

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**LOL , I wanted to write a second chapter to this from Daryl's point of view. Should I?**

**Anyway, Review!**


	2. Daryl the Seductress or Dale's Revaltion

**I decided to be more retarded and less invested in the characters' actual personalities. Don't say I didn't warn you.**

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Daryl saw red when he heard Rick and Shane talking about him.

They had been walking in the forest tracking a deer…

"Uh uh uh uh uno dos tres cuatro", Shane mimicked Pitbull.

"Bitches love Pitbull", commented Rick.

"Bitches love me!", Shane pranced ahead of the two.

Laughing gaily Rick cavorted after him like a feral gazelle in heat.

Once again Daryl was left all alone to track the food. It didn't matter; he was used to being alone. Which dawned on him that sounded desperate and sad yet made him all the more attractive.

Two milliseconds later Daryl caught up to Shane and Rick to informate them that he captured and gutted the deer.

Shane and Rick were lounging at the base of the tree smoking a dooby.

While Shane's finger was poking around searching the deepest reserves of his bum, Rick let out a little loud sigh.

_He shouldn't do that_, Daryl thought_. I can smell his breath from here. Hell, I bet half of Georgia can smell his breath._

"Daryl is soso ugly. Have you ever noticed that?"

Shane apparently finding whatever he had been looking for took his finger out and gave it rather large sniff. He smiled and replied back to Rick, "Why yes, yes he is."

"He's always dirty and sweaty and has pit stains. He ought to go kill himself."

Daryl felt an astounding amount of distress when he heard Rick say that. He thought they were besties.

"He old and hag baggy", Shane shared giggling like a young girl on the cusp of womanhood.

"Damn, when the last time he got some?"

"Shiiiiit, I don't know. He don't pull no one."

_That's a double negative!_, Daryl thought enraged. What did Shane mean that he "don't" pull "no" one?

Daryl slinked away real sad after Rick and Shane started to make love on the wet grass bed.

Their grunts and ah's kept him company as he made his way to camp.

He didn't pull anyone, did he? Daryl sulked. He wanted someone to love, like how Shane loved Rick. Or how Lori loved Shane. Or how Lori loved Rick. Or how Andrea loved Shane.

Andrea…something was up with that girl lately. Daryl often found himself turning around just to see her standing there with her hand in her pants or peeking through the cracks of the Port-a-potty as he took a dump.

What was up with her?

Daryl was starting to feel the heat from the sun now. He needed to cool off.

Making his way to the water pump, Daryl noticed Andrea noticing him trying not to let him notice that she noticed him while noticing him. He tried to let her notice that he didn't notice her noticing him pretending not to notice him while noticing her.

Daryl grabbed a bucket, shoved it under the faucet, and pumped, his muscles straining with effort. Then he drank and dumped the bucket on his head. That felt good.

Then Daryl heard on odd sound and looked behind him. Andrea was trying to do the ground.

Daryl tried to stop his laughter as he went over and hauled her to her feet.

_She must be really horny_, he laugh-thought.

Daryl walked away shaking his head. He didn't need anyone, he could do bad all by himself.

Little did Daryl know that someone else was watching him.

Dale couldn't believe the sight that had appeared before his very rheumy eyes.

Could it be? Was Daryl Dixon….the one true hot guy left in the world? More hotter than the sun erupting? More hotter than lava erupting? More hotter than Shane erupting in Rick?

You bet your ass he was.

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**Review!**


	3. The Evil Troll or Mr Glenn

**Heaven wasn't ready for Lori's man killing jelly.**

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The dead ghost of Merle floated above Shane and Rick as they made their way back to camp; hand in hand, skipping and twirling.

He had emerged from the recesses of Shane's bum which served as a gateway from the Otherworld.

Lori appeared at the edge of his ooggly boogly ghost eyeballs.

As always she brought the stench of whore with her, filling the space around her and making the grass upon which she trod die.

The smell of it was so strong it nearly knocked Merle of his spritely feet.

Her ugly trollness could kill anything within the sight.

"Where have you been", Lori screeched. The stench flew into her mouth and spat out towards Rick, twisting around his timid frame.

Rick began to suffocate beneath its horrible death claws.

"MY BABY!", screamed Shane. "MY POOR BABY!"

Lori began to sing and dance around Rick like some kind of satanic ritual. Horns burst forth from her head and her legs became like a goat.

Not much of a change, is it?

Andrea suddenly appeared gasping at the sight from the corner of the RV.

"MY BABBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBIE!"

"What the fuck is going on out here?", Carl ran out the house.

"Get your ass back in the house, Carl!", Dale screamed from the top of the RV.

As if Carl would.

Like a ninja master Carl flew from the house with one leg upraised. He kicked Lori in her trollish face, his foot coming out the other side. He began to swing in mid air; Lori's body trailing after him. Around the third swing he kicked and Lori flew off into the sky landing in Narnia where she belonged.

She became Lord Voldemort.

"New mommy, is daddy alright?", Carl asked Shane.

"He's gone be fine child. Baby just gone be fine and dandy", Shane wiped tears off his face.

Andrea jumped when she heard Daryl behind her.

"Look at that. That's a family", Daryl whispered being real deep.

Andrea made a deep thrumming noise in the back of her throat.

Daryl scratched his head. Was Andrea… purring?

Merle watched the two interact and became furious. He took over Andrea's body and bit Daryl on the ass.

Daryl jumped back, "ANDREA!"

It couldn't be. It just couldn't.

Andrea was a zombie!

Dun dun dun!

Daryl smacked her down to the floor and stomped on her head crushing her skull.

Dale watched all from the top of the RV like some kind of majestic king.

No one would know his secret now…yes.

Yes it was all true.

Dale was…Santa Claus.

And Hershel was his Mrs. Claus.

His secret was forever safe. Dale rubbed his ancient wrinkly face.

Daryl leaned against the RV exhausted.

Andrea's cracked skull was oozing.

Glenn and Maggie walked by then and stared at the horrible sight before them.

"Glenn, use your Korean magic cleaning power to make everything sparkly and clean", Maggie suggested.

A Korean theme song played in the background.

_"It's Mr. Glenn, Mr. Glenn. Here to make every ting sparky and kleen. Mr. Glenn, Mr. Glenn. No he's not gay at all."_

Glenn rushed around cleaning everything with shimmering cleaning power.

_"It's Mr. Glenn, Mr. Glenn. Look at every ting sparky and kleen. Mr. Glenn, Mr. Glenn. He has really small balls."_

Maggie grinned, "He sho does."

_"It's Mr. Glenn, Mr. Glenn. He made every ting sparky and kleen. Mr. Glenn, Mr. Glenn. He go take huge dump now."_

"This song gets everything right!", Glenn said popping a squat by a tree.

Mrs. Hershel Claus picked up the poo and went into the house.

Mrs. Hershel Claus baked cookies for everyone.

It had a secret ingredient.

After that everyone delivered presents to all the good little zombies since the evil troll of Rick's Wife was banished.

You bet your ass Christmas was saved.

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**REVIEW!**


	4. Ghetto Rick or Tricky Lucky Carl

**Some cursing between Ghetto Rick and Shane.**

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After Christmas Beth sang like an annoying Disney bird.

In a sweet lilting voice she sang:

_"I'm better than you. I'm better than who? I'm better than you. Yeah, better than you and yo whole crew…"_

Daryl wanted to shoot her in her stupid blonde face.

_"Anything you can do I can do better. I can do anything. I 'm better than you!"_

Listening to her voice Hershel with sudden inspiration floated out of his clothes and began to dance rhythmically to and fro. He enjoyed the nice breeze that was tickling his privates.

Maggie went blind from the horrific sight of a body bent and twisted with age and— OH MY LORD! How _does_ a BUTT get that wrinkly?!

The horror!

The horror!

Hershel had a tattoo by his lady loving parts. It said "reserved for bitches and ho's."

Dale was going to follow in his example but Carl got there first.

With gusto Carl ripped off his clothes and exposed himself to Carol.

"We have only one letter difference in our names", he told her gravely.

They clung together and morphed into Carlo: a little bald naked leprechaun who cried a lot and was trigger happy who never stayed in the effing house.

My worst nightmare.

Rick rode up on Daryl's motorbike.

"Where you been with muh bike?!", Daryl asked furiously. He hadn't asked to borrow it!

"Rack City, bitch", Rick told him like a total badass. He walked away with swag.

"Douche."

Maggie sobbed, feeling her way through the grass.

"Here dear, let me help you. Take my hand", said a voice above her.

Maggie reached out and gripped his hand.

"That's not my hand Maggie", said Hershel.

Maggie let out a scream and chopped off her hand.

The ghost of Merle snatched the hand up and brought it close.

"Yes, yes. I have my hand back! My hand. My precious. Will let no one touch the precious. No one! MY PRECIOUS!", Merle laughed a creepy perv laugh. "Ehehehehehe!"

Rick swaggered over to Shane. Shane admired his bling and gold chains Rick was repping.

Rick dipped his shades and dropped to one knee. He took Shane's hand.

"Gurl, make me a seafood dinna. You don't do nothing 'roud here. You is lazy as hell. Why don't you dress nice and tight like all duh uhda shoties 'round here?"

Shane was furious. "Excuse me? Whatchu do all day? Sit on yo fat ass all day an' watch t.v.!"

"Bitch, I pay's the bills. I do's the work. I bring home da bacon! You fat ugly bald bitch. Who want you? No one want you! You is a gold diggin wench who don't do nothing for her man. All dem uhda women takes care of dare man. You don't do nothing but crab all day."

"You did not just call me fat!", Shane gasped.

"I am just a man looking for a decent meal. Is that too much to ask?"

Nearby Carlo was alerted to their rising voices. He eyed Rick's gold chains and ran up to him and made off with it.

"What the hell! That little bastard stole my chains!", Rick chased him and watched with disgust and terror as Carlo wrapped it around his peen.

"NO GOD DAMN IT!", Rick shouted.

Carlo began to gyrate around the place. The chains glinting and catching the last rays of the sinking sun.

"Nooo! Nohohohoooooooo! Why?! Why would you do this to me, God!?", Rick yelled at the sky.

That did it. They were done for. Because in the distance they could hear it…

_"I AM THE GOVNA. IM A-COMING FOR YOU. WATCH OUT. I DON'T HAVE AN EYE. LEGITAMITE BADASS."_

You bet your ass he was a legitimate badass.

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**Next chapter the Govna is coming to town. Tea and biskets. REVIEW!**


	5. The Fab Govna or The End O' my Retardnes

**To all the people who asked me if I was high when I wrote this:**

**I wrote all of these chapters after I watched My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic with my niece**

**I think I've gone insane—hee. It actually just follows the format from my poem (Nazy)**

**This is the end…I'm working on a big story project now for Walking Dead. You guys have been great so could you check it out when it's done?**

**It's like a You Decide It! book. You pick the choice you want the character to choose. You pick the path you want them to go on. It's all up to you.**

**Enough of that—enjoy the end!**

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The Govna strutted up to Rick.

"I say I say I say I was a-coming and here I am!", he struck a pose while glitter flew every which way.

A piece struck gyrating Carlo in the eye and knocked him back ten feet.

Glenn was furious. All the work he had done to keep this place and this is what he got? Hell no.

Glenn marched up to him and poked him in the chest with his pointy old lady finger.

"What do you think you're doing?" Poke.

"I just cleaned this place!" Poke Poke.

"You can't just let your gay fairy dust fall anywhere you want!"

Pokey Poke Poke. "Clean this up this instance!"

"Keep poking me and you're gonna have a problem", an evil gleam ran across the Govna's Cyclops eye.

"Oh yeah, what are you gonna do about it?"

The Govna seemed to transform before his very eyes.

He became a huge purple unicorn.

Glenn took a step back. This was cause for major alarm.

"Bitch, I'm fabulous" said the Govna as he stampeded Glenn down.

Glenn's head decapitated from the Govna's marvelous glittery hoofs.

It flew somewhere near Blind Maggie.

Carlo picked himself off the chains falling off his peen. He frowned and tucked them back in place.

Rick, "Aw nah dawg. You is fa real trippin if you think you can front one of mines and get away wit it", Rick bumped his chest into the Govna.

The Govna stared down at him with his colorful rainbow eyes.

"Dis fool think he can front", Rick said to no one in particular. "You think you bad, huh? You think you crunkin. You think you the jeezy. Let's see ya jeez dis!", Rick pulled out a small butter knife.

The Govna backed away terrified. A butter knife! Where in the world had he gotten that?

"Cutlery, nice", said naked Hershel as he and naked Dale did the ring-around-the-rosy. Let's just say they weren't grabbing each other's hands.

Rick slashed the air between them. "Imma cut you like a Christmas turkey", he slashed again cutting deep into the Govna's flesh.

The Govna fell down with a cry. Candy and puppies fell from his wound.

CANDY and PUPPIES.

The Govna decided it was time for his emergency call. He quickly sent out a beam from his horn into the sky and in a bull horn voice shouted "Tea and biscuits! Scones and kettle! English muffin for pete's sake!"

A hoard of Zombies appeared an attacked everyone.

One Zombie helped the Govna to his feet. "Top of the morning to ya, Govna."

"Pip pip, cheerio", the Govna replied.

You bet your ass they all got eaten.

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"Hello? Somebody?", Maggie called out. "Help!"

She felt around on the grass some more with her one hand.

There was something there….it felt like a ball.

Remember Glenn's head?

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**I salute all the people who read this fic.**

**You MUST be high for reading it.**

**Ha- Review!**


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